Tuesday, November 12, 2013

My Five Year Milestone... Hope

Five years ago today, my grandmother Hope passed away.  I miss her dearly.  I am truly grateful that I had a chance to tell her how much I loved her.  She is my inspiration.  It was at her death that I knew I needed to make some changes in my life.  I made a five and seven year plan.  Today brings me to the completion of my five year goal and I am on my own and solely independent.  I didn’t expect to be without my kids nor did I expect five years ago to be living in Sacramento today.  Ultimately, I succeeded.   Now I am on the brink of the last 18 months of my seven year plan.  As I prepare to close out 2013 to enter into 2014, I am proud of the obstacles I have overcome and the wisdom I have gain.  I am eternally grateful for those who have been my support especially those who have given their lifelong commitment to the service of God’s kingdom.  I would not be here without them.  No one I have met along the way, including those who are no longer in my life and those who like me less, have been without purpose in my life.  I live a life of wealth because of each individual I have encountered on this journey. 

Now begins the next phase of my life with intense ferociousness as I continue on this grand endeavor.  I must say that fear has subsided and courage abounds.  Regardless of any position I take, I am no one, I am nothing, I can do nothing and be nothing without the love and grace of my Savior.  My faith and hope is in Him alone.

For those who have consistently told me in private how they have been inspired by me, look forward to my messages, have sought my counsel, and so forth, and especially for those who have shared their tears with me, you are my ONLY reason I make my life so transparently public, against the constant advice of others.  As I have survived and conquered for the past 25 years, I have had the very constant prayer of pleading with God for my life not to be in vain.  My trials and tribulations, my conquests and successes have allowed me to pour into your lives.  Thank you for pouring into mine.  As God continues to bless me with an abundance of souls in my life to love, I will continue to encourage you and love you as long as there is breath in my lungs. 

May the love, joy and peace of God richly abound in your soul and of those around you. 

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

A Grace Given to Me

Ellisha Grace Ramirez
Dear Elisha:
It was 17 years ago today when you came into my world.  You were in a hurry. J
I did one hour of hard labor with you.  It wasn’t so difficult to birth you onto this planet.  But very shortly after you were born, when they took you over to the infant bin to clean you all up, you opened your eyes wide open, stopped crying and began to look all around this great big world.  It was at that moment I knew how very wonderful you were.  I remember how clear the voice of the Holy Spirit was in letting me know that you would do wonderful things.  I was relieved when your dad stormed through the room demanding to see the “President of the Hospital” because he was ready to punch someone in the face because the nurse poked your little foot with a needle.  I knew he was going to protect you.  Believe it or not, he did.  He was always protecting you.  Later that night when Nana and Papa and your Tio and Tia came to visit, I was holding you in my arms.  Your dad was sitting on the other bed and they were talking in Spanish.  Your Nana came over to me and took you out of my arms and went back to everyone else and your Papa began to pray over you.  I didn’t like it.  I didn’t like that your Nana took you out of my arms.  But again the Holy Spirit let me know in that moment that one day I would understand why you were taken out of my arms that night and that He had a specific plan for your life.  I have come to understand that moment. We all knew how fearfully and wonderfully you were created. 

As you began to grow, I saw how independent and smart you were going to be.  I wasn’t wrong.  You brought so much pride to us.  But above anything else, you have brought me so much joy.  God, I miss your smile, your funny skits, your singing, your off the wall comments, your smile, and those eyes.  I have always just looked deep into your eyes and have seen undefiled love. 
Elisha, I have put all of my faith and hope into God for you as I was instructed to do.  I remember every week as I teach others about God’s plans for our lives.  I was instructed very early about what to do with you.  I won’t deny that I want fight for you and tie you up and lock you away in my arms forever.  After watching the Passion of the Christ this past weekend I thought about Mary.  She was warned about the sword that would pierce her heart one day when she would see her son nailed to a cross.  No matter the warning, nothing could have prepared her for what she was going to face, the helplessness, the anguish and suffering that was asked of her.  Even after her son was raised from the dead, He went on to another place, but she was left with a peace in knowing that her love served a purpose. 

I am content in knowing that God’s angels encamp around you.  I trust my Heavenly Father who has ordered every single one of your steps.  I understand why you are where you are.  I know that you are smart and loving and wild and free, and that is exactly how God created you to be.  I just miss you.  But I cherish all my memories I collected over the years.  I see your big little cachetona smiles in my heart from when you were 3.  I hear your laughter from when you were 10.  I see your beauty in all the beauty that surrounds me.  So my prayers continue to thrive for you.  I will always love you, I will always care for you, and I will always treasure you my precious jewel of my heart. 
Happy Birthday, Elisha. 
Forever  loving you,

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Dreams of the Past Push You into Your Future

I seem to be having dreams of people from my past a lot lately.  Almost everyone questions their dream habits and I most definitely do.  But this one is real simple.  I cannot deny that there is a part of me that is trying to hold onto the past, but it’s like a pinky grip.  I’m not really trying to hold on to it, the past is trying to hold onto me.  I have my future ahead of me.  I have been given a second chance at life! I’m going forward and I am not going back. 

But I long for the comfort zone that no longer exists.  People can take comfort in what is the norm, what they are familiar with, even if it is unhealthy.  We naturally fear change.  I learned to get over that a long time ago.  Life is so much more liberating when you learn to welcome change.   But when you find yourself in the middle of EVERYTHING being brand new, it can be scary and very uncomfortable. 

I am so excited about my future and it just can’t seem to get here quick enough! I am in a place where I can decide what it is I want to do and I have so many options and sufficient time to decide!  Grant it I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and die, but even if that were to happen, I’m here today, able to look back and say, “I lived.”  How fortunate am I to be able to say also, “I get to continue to live.” 

But at the same time, it is hard to let go.  One of the most difficult things I will face soon, is having to say goodbye to my daughters.  What makes it so agonizing is the fact that 2 have already left, one I can’t find, and my youngest who needs me most and has always been there will no longer be.  My oldest daughter already moved out so there won’t be much change regarding her.  I had time to get use to her not being there. My second oldest moved out on her own but I don’t know where.  She contacts me from time to time and it will not be easy leaving knowing that we could lose contact for a very long time.  And then there’s my baby.  She was always attached to me, fearing others, and lost in the shuffle.  But I always worked with her to build her up and get her brave so she can take on the world on her own someday.  I had no idea that she would be ready to do it so early!  She decided to live with her father to go to the school that would best enrich her artistic ability.  How could I stop her when I encouraged her to do it?  So when she leaves for the weekend and I get a taste of what it will be like alone up north, it doesn’t always taste so good.  Sometimes I have to force myself to get up and move.  I told my youngest several months ago that she needed to work on her relationship with her father and spend more time over there to adjust for the future.  Well, she’s doing a far better job than I am adjusting!  I am so proud of her!  I keep the heartache I have inside, and I see her mimicking me when she squeals and gets excited about her new school.  I see her imitating me as she plans for her future.  This is the reason I am leaving.  To demonstrate to my daughters that it is okay to live your life to the fullest and chase after dreams.   

I had my daughters young, but I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t give up on my dreams.  I simply put them on hold to raise my girls.  If my ex-husband would have been different, I wouldn’t have had to put my dreams on hold.  I would have been able to fulfill my dreams.  We should have been able to live our dreams together.  But you know how that story goes. 

The bottom line is, I’m nervous about the move.  I’m anxious for the change.  I’m scared, I’m excited, I’m frustrated, I want to cry, I’m happy.  My emotions are all mixed up and it’s okay and because I am engaged in this thing called life.  When you choose to live life on purpose, full of passion with hopes and dreams, these moments are inevitable.  And in the end, it will all be worth it.  I can't sit still and not move.  I have to take risks.  I was created to be more than a conqueror.

Jeska Rabbit

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Mountain Moments

It’s been 3 months since my last blog.  Things got really complicated for me 3 months ago.  Just when I thought things were going to get better, they became even more complicated.  But complications are inevitable.  They are there to hinder life and that’s just something I’m not going to allow.  So much has been happening ever since and I can’t wait to get it on the blog!  One of the things I have been working on is moving and getting settled in to my temporary spot so that I could write.  So here I am, up in the mountains, settled in and blogging!  I’m going to attach just a few photos from what I have taken over the past few weeks.  There is so much on my heart that I want to share with you about my adventure up hear in the mountains.  EVERYTHING happens for a reason and I can definitely see where this is going!  I am so excited about what is just around the corner for me!  I can’t wait to share it with you! 

Until then, I hope you still find reasons every day to smile.  And it’s ok if every now and then you need to cry.  We have tears for a reason.  They seem to help us get through those moments when we want to give up.  At least they do for me.  But it’s definitely the smiles that get me through the tough times.   Smiling and laughing just feels so good!  How can you POSSIBLY go wrong with laughter?  If your laughter offends someone else, then there’s something wrong with that person.  So I hope your laughing, and if not, I hope your smiling.  And if you just so happen to be crying, go ahead and try giving a smile through the tears! 


Monday, December 31, 2012

New Year's rEVOLution

2012 summed up:
Hell tried to take me out a few times and failed.  I lost a few things and people.  I kept my peace.  I fell in love.  I stayed in joy.  I gained new friends.  I continued to love laugh and smile.

2013 expectation:
The EXTRAORDINARY & Love!!!!!!!
I can't wait!!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Flying High Again!

I’m writing this up in the clouds; literally.  I've passed up and through the first level of clouds and now I’m passing straight through a second level of clouds. I say me because I have looked several times throughout this plane and no one else seems to be in awe but me.  Grace and Alexa are the exception since they are six years old today and are heading to Disneyland for the very first time.  However, their excitement is far more contained than mine.  I suppose it’s because grandma is sitting between them making sure that they stay as quiet as possible so as to not disturb anyone else on the plane. The mother across the aisle from them is in training mode also to keep her 6 month old baby quiet as well.  It is evident that we are trained from the earliest stages in life to contain our emotions. 

I am in the process of having to learn all over again how to feel.  It’s simple when life is grand, and everything seems perfect and happiness abounds.  But when heartache occurs, sorrow, anger, and a bunch of other stuff I don’t even know how to describe shows up at the door, the simplest thing to do is go numb.  It seems to be self-control at its best but I don’t think that’s how it was intended to be.  I’m still in training, but this time by my Creator.

I could care less that these people around me may think I’m an idiot for taking pictures out of my window with the biggest grin on my face and slow tears running down my cheek.  I am one sky closer to seeing the face of God.  I’m flying above the earth in the middle of still growing into the woman that I was created to be.  When I return to my chaotic ground in just a few moments, I think I will take with me a piece of this sky and share some of Heaven on earth.  How selfish of me it would be to keep all this to myself.  
Hhhhmmmm…. I wonder if that’s what God said when He decided to create this place?  

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

I'm Here!

Most people know the story in the bible about Moses leading the Hebrew people out of Egypt from slavery through the Red Sea where the waters were miraculously parted by the hand of God.   It was an event celebrated to this day by a nation and Christian culture.  What so many don’t know is the importance of the events that took place after.  Moses led the people out of bondage knowing that God had given them a promise to be free in a plush and fruitful land, the land flowing with milk and honey.  The question of entering the Promiseland wasn’t a matter of how, or what or where.  God had already informed their leader of the vital information they needed to obtain what God had already promised them.  It was a matter of when.  As a mass group of people who had experienced bondage, they began to witness some of history’s most memorable phenomenon’s.  There mistake was their disbelief as a community.

There was one man, who came out of Egypt with the millions, who heard the promise, who saw the fruit of the promise and who committed his entire being to obtain what was promised to him.  His name was Caleb.  Caleb was one of the 12 spies sent to the land of Canaan to spy out the land that God had promised them.  Caleb and Joshua were the only two people out of a mass of million who not only believed, but knew they would live in the land flowing with milk and honey.  When they spied out the land they saw that it was just as God said it was.  It was a plush and productive terrain.  They saw exactly what the other 10 spies saw; fruitfulness, riches, and giants.  The difference between these two and the other 10 was not just what THEY saw but, but in what they HEARD.  The 10 saw giants, the two saw giant fruit.  The 10 heard discouragement, the 2 heard the promise.  All 12 reported to Moses and the people and the people heard the 10.  They became discouraged and believed a bad report and cried out in fear and discontent.  They forgot the miracles of God when he parted the Red Sea, when He rained down manna from Heaven, when He led them under the cooling clouds by day and the warming fire by night. 

But there was something inside Caleb that made him great.  (I thank God for great men and women in history who have set the highest bar of example.) Caleb would NOT let go of what was promised to him.  NONE of the Hebrew people asked for the Promiseland and all of the wonderful blessings they received.  They had only asked to be free from bondage.  God gave them what they had asked for and so much more.  But only Caleb had the heart to receive it.  While Caleb was stuck with his people in the wilderness, he began to train for the day he would obtain his promise.  And 40 years later, after spying out the land that was promised to him, Caleb entered into the land flowing with milk and honey.  As promised by God, Joshua and Caleb were the only two from the original generation of slaves who entered into the promise.

I want to be like Caleb.  I was sitting outside this morning looking to the east and watching for the sunrise.  I began to think about the fruit that Joshua and Caleb brought back from Canaan.  The grapes were so massive, that they had to hang the bunch on a branch and carry it back by two.  Apparently, one grape alone could feed four. Can you imagine such a thing? Can you imagine how history would have been different if all 10 spies believed and hoped like Caleb? Life would have been different. 
So often we look back on our past and wonder what it would have been like if we would had made the OTHER choice.  Well duh!  Things would have been different.  I made so many choices that changed my life.  Some good.  Some bad.  Some good that turned out to be bad.  Some bad that turned out to be  good!  Haven’t we all?  But for as long as I could remember I had dreams and desires that I never gave up on.  I just placed them in my future where I knew I would be getting to one day.  I had made some decisions in my life that were worth altering my life for at the time and I am so glad that I did.

But as I come to this point in my life, a point where I have completed my training in the wilderness like Caleb, I see the Promiseland in my horizon.  I see a land flowing with milk and honey.  Sam Chand said, “To get to the milk and honey, you have to go through the “stuff and sting!”  Bees will sting and cows, besides making milk also make, well… “stuff.”  Sometimes you get stung and step in stuff! I have had my fill of stings and stuff, and I am ready for the milk and honey!  I’d also like to have some of those huge grapes too!  I’m well on my way to my personal Promiseland.  I am so excited of my future that is at hand!  If I ever faced “giants” or obstacles before, it’s ok.  I have defeated them before, I will defeat them some more!  I’m immune to the “sting” and I learned how to walk around the “stuff!” I hope you will join me in my adventures!

I would like to share with you my trials and errors, my joys and sunshine, my heart and my soul.  I find myself repeating so many of my stories to so many people and I realized; after being inspired by one of my favorite “swordsmen” who when he speaks, it’s as if honey drips from his lips; that I must buckle down and write! Just to give you an idea of what to expect in my future writings, you’ll often find that I am very candid, always transparent, and brave to speak the truth.  You will find that I often speak of faith, the bible and God.  Please know that this is no way intended to push my faith on anyone, but I do ask that you understand that my faith is the center of life.  I don’t have a need to constantly try and convince people about my faith, nor do I constantly try to deny it.  I simply live life day by day confident in who I am and what I believe.  Sometimes it looks spectacular and sometimes it looks like hell.  The bottom line is, we’re in this life together and I for one love it and I love you!
Thanks for reading!