Saturday, March 30, 2013

Dreams of the Past Push You into Your Future


I seem to be having dreams of people from my past a lot lately.  Almost everyone questions their dream habits and I most definitely do.  But this one is real simple.  I cannot deny that there is a part of me that is trying to hold onto the past, but it’s like a pinky grip.  I’m not really trying to hold on to it, the past is trying to hold onto me.  I have my future ahead of me.  I have been given a second chance at life! I’m going forward and I am not going back. 

But I long for the comfort zone that no longer exists.  People can take comfort in what is the norm, what they are familiar with, even if it is unhealthy.  We naturally fear change.  I learned to get over that a long time ago.  Life is so much more liberating when you learn to welcome change.   But when you find yourself in the middle of EVERYTHING being brand new, it can be scary and very uncomfortable. 

I am so excited about my future and it just can’t seem to get here quick enough! I am in a place where I can decide what it is I want to do and I have so many options and sufficient time to decide!  Grant it I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and die, but even if that were to happen, I’m here today, able to look back and say, “I lived.”  How fortunate am I to be able to say also, “I get to continue to live.” 

But at the same time, it is hard to let go.  One of the most difficult things I will face soon, is having to say goodbye to my daughters.  What makes it so agonizing is the fact that 2 have already left, one I can’t find, and my youngest who needs me most and has always been there will no longer be.  My oldest daughter already moved out so there won’t be much change regarding her.  I had time to get use to her not being there. My second oldest moved out on her own but I don’t know where.  She contacts me from time to time and it will not be easy leaving knowing that we could lose contact for a very long time.  And then there’s my baby.  She was always attached to me, fearing others, and lost in the shuffle.  But I always worked with her to build her up and get her brave so she can take on the world on her own someday.  I had no idea that she would be ready to do it so early!  She decided to live with her father to go to the school that would best enrich her artistic ability.  How could I stop her when I encouraged her to do it?  So when she leaves for the weekend and I get a taste of what it will be like alone up north, it doesn’t always taste so good.  Sometimes I have to force myself to get up and move.  I told my youngest several months ago that she needed to work on her relationship with her father and spend more time over there to adjust for the future.  Well, she’s doing a far better job than I am adjusting!  I am so proud of her!  I keep the heartache I have inside, and I see her mimicking me when she squeals and gets excited about her new school.  I see her imitating me as she plans for her future.  This is the reason I am leaving.  To demonstrate to my daughters that it is okay to live your life to the fullest and chase after dreams.   

I had my daughters young, but I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t give up on my dreams.  I simply put them on hold to raise my girls.  If my ex-husband would have been different, I wouldn’t have had to put my dreams on hold.  I would have been able to fulfill my dreams.  We should have been able to live our dreams together.  But you know how that story goes. 

The bottom line is, I’m nervous about the move.  I’m anxious for the change.  I’m scared, I’m excited, I’m frustrated, I want to cry, I’m happy.  My emotions are all mixed up and it’s okay and because I am engaged in this thing called life.  When you choose to live life on purpose, full of passion with hopes and dreams, these moments are inevitable.  And in the end, it will all be worth it.  I can't sit still and not move.  I have to take risks.  I was created to be more than a conqueror.
xoxo
Rabbit

Jeska Rabbit

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